My New Year

It's been a long time, hasn't it? A lot has happened after my last post (winter holidays etc) and I just started going back to uni today.

My head has been a whir these past few days. My legs are tired, my eyes exhausted, my body lethargic and my heart.. Well, lets just say it's gone through a lot.

People all around are saying that this new year has to be started with positive thoughts, with soaring spirits, with new things to tick off the list.

Surprisingly, this new year brought a different meaning to me. A very deep meaning. I discovered revelation after revelation and the feeling is similar to weights being loaded onto both my shoulders. I realised that I have changed. And I don't know whether it's good or bad. People around me seem to order me around easily, push me out of their way, disrespect me and act as if my feelings or presence are meaningless, use me for gain, and discard me when it feels necessary. Thing is, I never retaliate. My good deeds are paid back with scum. Even worse, my dignity is thrashed for everyone to mock behind my back. Paranoid much? I don't think so.

But. I don't want to go around telling people this and that about how this and that person makes me feel. I'm no longer like that. I can shout to the whole world and let them know. But again, I'm not like that.

Where did I go wrong?

Maybe I forgot to count my blessings. Maybe it's a curse for what I've done in the past.

I always realise that I get things the hard way. My happiness comes with a lot of effort, tears, sighs and hiccups. Some people get it easy, and for that, they make things hard for others. How could they? I don't know. I would like to see them in my shoes for once and how they will handle the life I live. Maybe they'll be kinder to me. Who knows? And writing this post while I'm having a really nasty fever is not good. Tears are streaming down my face like a waterfall. But who cares?

Wallahu'alam.