Or so I thought.
People are people, and sometimes we change our minds. Taylor was right. So I guess I changed my mind. I succumbed to that little cigarette. What was I thinking, knowing full well how harmful it was for me? But no, once addiction kicked in, nothing else in the world mattered. Heaven it was! Initially, maybe I thought what harm would it do if I just gave it a go? 'No harm, no harm at all', was what I said to make the wrong sound right. It was me, myself and that little cigarette which I did not realise had taken over my life.
So I took it in, became friends with those who smoked as well, and ditched my closest friends who shared my previous idea of smoking. What do I care? It was bliss and that was all that mattered.
1 solid year came by. I was still there, alongside my growing habit. I failed to realise how much it had changed me. I became weaker, very fragile yet rough, lethargic, shunted from family and friends, a lost person not knowing what was wrong or right. Likewise with my health, my studies became affected as well. I became ashamed of myself, asking over and over again, 'was this the right decision after all?' My heart said yes, but my head gave a resounding no.
So, I did what I thought was best. I followed my heart.
I continued to take that fag. Morning, lunchtime, teatime and at night. I was getting weaker, despair creeped in. But I ignored all that. It was my heart that I needed to fulfill. My head just cried watching me deteriorate slowly, not strong enough to shoulder the weight to realise and repent.
Another year passed. Holidays came over.
I barely scraped two A's, one B and one C in my exams. It was a miracle how I managed to do it along with my habit. Pure miracle. I vaguely remember what made me snap back to reality at last. At the back of my head, I always knew what it was. But it never surfaced to make me see. I guess it liked seeing me happy with my cigarette and lighter, and how high I could get from it. However, the impact of my smoking never occured to me until that one precise moment. 'You're a doctor-to-be for Gods sake!'. I do remember bargaining with myself what I would miss by letting go of this habit. My heart and head went into a constant battle, each wanting to point out their views and telling me what to do.
At long last, my head won. 'The risk is not worth taking the second time, dear'. Second time? No. Maybe it was the hundreth time? I've lost count. I've lost count. Just too many.
What is the use of putting up with a habit that only makes you high for a while, but is bound to deteriorate you in the long run? How much longer do you think a person can put up with that sort of nonsense? Its a miracle I even went through all that, just to be frustrated with myself in the end. Such waste of my young life! Goodness knows how much I regretted my former decision. I'm forever lucky that my friends still stand close to me, despite me ignoring their advice a dozen times. I was young, and I was stupid.
I thank Allah for this heavy test that you put onto me. Have I succeeded in getting flying colours for it? I truly hope so. And I hope for your mercy to give me the strength to stay forever away from this past habit of mine. InsyaAllah.
To all those smokers out there, lets together put this habit to a stop. Its worthless, sucks money out of you, and as a doctor-to-be speaking here, it is bound to pull you into a realm of health poverty.
So lets stop now! :D
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